When the Oncologist told us that Lori had stage IV cancer I almost required resuscitation…we had been married just seven weeks earlier, we had recently gotten back from a dream honeymoon on Maui, we were young (Lori was just 27,) we were supposed to have our whole lives ahead of us. In retrospect there were signs, but who’s looking for signs of cancer when you’re young, and giddy, and newlyweds? The signs seem ominous to me now. They first became evident on our honeymoon:

Honey, aren’t you hungry?

Not really.

You ordered a whole plate.

I thought I was hungry.

Are you feeling OK?

It’s just the humidity. It’s so hot here…

But it wasn’t the humidity. Not by a long shot. One day back in our hotel room in Waialea, I noticed Lori looking at herself in the mirror…she looked so pretty standing there in her bikini, examining her belly, running her hand over it, deep in thought. I thought she was daydreaming about being pregnant. Having a baby was the next thing on our list.

Honey, I think I’m getting my grandma’s belly, she said.

You’re grandma has a cute belly.

I’m serious. My body shape is starting to change, I guess I’m just aging.

(I placed my hand on her stomach, where there was a slightly visible lump under the skin, right below the sternum)

I don’t know, sweetie. That feels kind of solid. But I doubt it’s anything to worry about.

I’m telling you, my grandma’s belly looks just like this.

Yeah, but she’s 80.

I know.

You should get it checked out when we get home…just in case.

Back home, Lori wasn’t feeling so well…there were obvious dark rings beneath her eyes, and she began to drop weight. Rapidly.

There were doctor’s visits. Then there were blood tests. Then there was that first frightening CT-scan (there are multiple masses in your liver and lungs.)

The liver biopsy hurt so bad that Lori cried like a baby.

It crushed my heart.

On November 27th, Lori’s birthday, the Oncologist told us the news…stage IV Adenocarcinoma (It’s cancer,) of Unknown Primary origin (But we’re not sure what kind it is,) metastatic to the liver and lungs (We do know that it has spread.)

It’s funny, I remember feeling sorry for the Oncologist; she was so very, very, young.

She didn’t look me in the eye, but I remember her words exactly.

“I’d be lying to you if I said I could cure this…”

Sometimes I wish she had.

-Cary Miller

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